Finding Your Solace

My ultimate place of solace with In the Arena and Brooks Running

As 2015 is quickly coming to a close, I can honestly say that this will probably be my most memorable year. I, as I am sure many of you, hope that each year will be full of the best things life has to offer and that we will all become better versions of ourselves as we experience all that life brings over 365 days. I lived through some of the absolute best and worst moments of my life this year and am grateful for the times of learning and reflection that I hope to use to fuel me in 2016.

Below is a message that a loyal supporter sent to me a few weeks ago.  These heart-felt words describe how I want to feel and what my wish is for all of you in the upcoming New Year—a “meaning of life” statement that has changed my heart forever.

“Hi there Matt, I just finished reading your last blog entry. For some reason, earlier this morning I was thinking about you on my run. I want to share something with you (some things) that I don’t usually talk about. First of all, please don’t think that I am comparing myself to you, because I’m just a regular runner, not an elite athlete. But having followed your running career closely, and having read your interviews, and more recently your blog, I know you love running and that I can share with you. I have been running for 20 years, which is half my life, racing for the last 18. It is the single most important thing for me, I love it, I truly love my sport. Running gives me the best version of Anita. I am always a better person after I run. And yes, I am very competitive. I thrive on being able to stand on a starting line, even if I know I am not there to win the event. Running has helped me through several breakups, lost friendships, family quarrels, university, a master’s degree thesis, law school, bad days, awesome days, 20 Christmases, New Years and birthdays. But there was a hideous period of time when I couldn’t run. I got injured, and I did not want to stop running, it got progressively worse up to a point where I couldn’t run 5 minutes without pain. And I had knee surgery... then a second one, and a third. I had a string of doctors saying I should try swimming, because I would never run again. I remember a very famous coach here in Costa Rica (who wasn’t even my coach, just acquaintance) telling me that some people were not born to run. But I never gave up, because I knew that’s what I was born to do: run. It is that simple activity the one thing that makes everything all right. My coach never gave up on me either. We knew I’d be back. It was awful, it was heartbreaking, I was very angry at everything and everyone, especially at running. Then it happened. I started running again.... first walking 5 minutes and running 30 seconds... up to when I was running 10 minutes. Then 20. And so on. I learned to be grateful for running: 1 minute, 5 minutes, 20. I learned to be grateful for running at a 8 minutes per km pace, as much I was grateful for running at a 4:30/km pace. I was reminded of why I run. I got back to where I was, I became an even better runner. Most important, I became a better person. You will come back... a different Matthew I am sure, a better runner and I bet my life on this: you will be a better person. Running does that to us.”

Long time supporter—Ana Iris Paez

I want to thank my biggest supporters In the Arena and Brooks Running for allowing me to make connections like this one.  Running has allowed me to connect with so many people. I have always said that the “r” in running stands for relationships.  Almost 100% of the people I know and love so much today have been connected to me because of this sport. Running has changed my life, and I hope that you will invest yourself in something that changes you now and forevermore.  I want to thank all of you for sharing life with me through this blog this year.  I would not be where I am today without the encouragement and support I have received from the time and love you have given to me.  Onwards and Upwards to 2016!

Comeback

I wish I knew how to properly understand this word. And even more importantly, and albeit challenging, I wish and so strongly desire with all of the powers of my inner most being how to apply this word directly into my life. In essence, I would have thought this compound word was one of the most basic, simplistic creations of its kind.  However, the word “come” is actually rather complex as I found when I studied it for a brief time.  Its definition possesses three parts of speech: a verb, a preposition and a noun.  In the meaning I am seeking to decipher, “come” can be defined as “when a specified time or event happens.” All true things considered, the word “back” would also seem just as easy to understand.  However, “back” is slightly more complex than the word “come” as its meaning possesses four parts of speech: a noun, verb, adverb and adjective.  In the word “comeback”, the adverb form applies and can be defined as “expressing a return to an earlier or normal condition.”  The chaotic train of thought seen in the most elementary of words has led me to a state of struggle and feeling of uncertainty for the first time in my life.  Shall I digress?

I have been an athlete for the last 25 years.  I began playing baseball, “coaches’ pitch” to be exact, in Tabor City, NC, when I was in the first grade.  I loved sports and was always a competitive, contributing member of my teams.  Baseball was the main focus of my extracurricular life for the following seven years (along with piano lessons and enjoyable church children’s programs centering around music and service projects) and then the seed of running was planted for the first time in my life in middle school.  Although I was successful at every level of competition while attending Green Sea Floyds High School, I did not run fast—AT ALL—and remained injury free for the first time until I was 18 years old.  I was a freshman in college running cross-country for Presbyterian College and suffered a stress fracture in my left fibula bone about ½ inch above the ankle joint—a rather small four-to-six-week setback.  It wasn’t until I was 26 years old that I experienced what one would call a “career impacting injury” where I was sidelined for eight weeks as a member of Team Indiana Elite in January and February of 2012.  An injury that would rear its ugly head again in March of 2015 that leaves me at a point of confusion and disarray now in December.

Each of my prior injuries I described pre-surgery on June 1, 2015, impacted my life in very small ways in comparison to my current state.  I am sure my friend Jenni Bohn can remember the many hours we spent watching “Dancing with the Stars” with her sweet family in Bloomington as I tried to find some solace as to why my running journey would have taken a turn as soon as I had accomplished one of my most pivotal running goals to date—joining a professional running team.  This decision required me to quit my job, move out of state for the first time and solely devote my life to running and nothing else for the first time in my life.  After much reflection on those many dark days in 2012, they seem quite bright in comparison to my current daily mood.  Jenni and her family saved me that year and a golden opportunity arose later that summer in 2012 that changed my life forever as I was able to pursue a job as a full-time teacher back in the state I love the most.

Sorry to give a bit of my running biography here, but it is actually helping make some sense of why I am struggling today.  Flash forward to the Fall of 2014, after coming off the best season of my professional running career in 2013, I had the worst, most disastrous season imaginable (finishing off my European racing season with a 4:20 mile) and relinquishing some sanity due to the fact that my mind and mojo were essentially the only major injured pieces of my body at the time. Then another change occurred in my life—AGAIN.  I took an opportunity to move to Knoxville, TN, where I focused on running again full-time, but balanced the life change with giving back to a local youth track club that helped take the stress and pressure associated with thoughts of constantly “making it happen” and “me, me, me” off the table in my investment with so many young runners.  What ensued was a new era of fitness and an indoor track season that any rising pro would have taken in a heartbeat and then…it all vanished. 

My foot started bothering me for the first time all indoor season at the 2015 Indoor National Championship pre-meet tune-up.  It began to swell and feel like it did in 2012 for the first time in almost three years, but I was able to complete the race and the following months were filled with question marks. Several other life-altering events took place that I have yet to figure out how to handle.  Ultimately, there have been many days and many hours that I have spent wondering if a “comeback” is something I am capable of.  Of course, virtually 100% of the greatest athletes in any sport have had to overcome injury at some point in their careers.  But “HOW THE HELL DID THEY DO IT?”  I would love to know because I had a vision of getting back to running on September 1 and it is now December 3 and I am not in much greater standing than I was then. 

I know that setback is many times synonymous with comeback. I know that recovering from surgery is not easy. I know that there are so many people who have had or are currently experiencing far more devastating circumstances than I.  But that doesn’t make it any easier to run—to run free, to run fast, to experience the joy that only running can bring. Please don’t pity me, trust me, you shouldn’t. I have all the tools and resources necessary to begin this journey that I know I am meant to take once again.  I just need to see the light at the end of the tunnel that just isn’t as bright as I’d like it to be.  I saw a quote while driving in uptown Charlotte early this week that struck me in a unique way: “There isn’t a day of the week called someday.” I just hope my illusion of someday will become today or tomorrow or maybe even the next day—soon.